No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

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PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?


*priest slowly backs away*


Life is like a cup of coffee…

No matter how much sugar you put in it, there’s always grounds at the end.


Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.



For when you’d love to wake up in the morning…naked on a raft in your neighbour’s pool, but lack the motivation


GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend


90 years from now, they’ll sing songs about the courage and bravery you displayed during the great “Instagram Selling Your Photos” skirmish.


Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.


Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*


My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?