No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
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Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.