@dumbbeezie

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

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@dafloydsta

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

@dlsims01

Life is like a cup of coffee…

No matter how much sugar you put in it, there’s always grounds at the end.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

@QuietPsycho

Absinthe

For when you’d love to wake up in the morning…naked on a raft in your neighbour’s pool, but lack the motivation

@ArfMeasures

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

@PaulyPeligroso

90 years from now, they’ll sing songs about the courage and bravery you displayed during the great “Instagram Selling Your Photos” skirmish.

@gwatts77

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

@verycleverruse

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

@UnicornSyrup

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?