No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
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wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.