No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
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I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.