Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Plumber: I think I found the problem

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

getting groceries

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.