Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.