No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Coffee for people with no kids
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
The Weeknd is back
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”