No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
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OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
We have a winner.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*