No, I haven’t seen any dogs
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My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
✌🏽
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what