No, I haven’t seen any dogs
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A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
5 ways to appear taller
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.