no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
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*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
This bar smells like my childhood.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Sticker placement is key.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.