no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
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I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
dark side of the loom
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.