no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
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acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
the saddest jazz hands ever
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.