no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
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Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees