no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
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It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Accurate
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Oceanography is all about current events
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?