No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
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If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence