Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

White Castle for the Win

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

“A little help here, Danny?”

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?