No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
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I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy