No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
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The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real