Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.

Krampus.

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said