No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”