No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
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There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
A sick whale is called an unwhale
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.