No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
![]()
You Might Also Like
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*