No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
You Might Also Like
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Well, this is awkward
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?