Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

Pigeon open mic night.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.