No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
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[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!