Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“

Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this