Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

I have a place for everything. The floor.

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

(Musicians.)

S M O L

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.