Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

O Wise One….

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway