NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
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I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”