Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

*mops up wine with cat*