No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
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Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
❤️❤️❤️
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.