No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
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Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off