No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
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This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.