No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
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Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive