No, I would NEVER put you on mute
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WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.