No, I would NEVER put you on mute
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airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Are we there yet?…
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!