NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
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I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Godspeed, John Glenn
