NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
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If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
based al yankovic
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*