NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
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Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
I think the cat got the dog high.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.