Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

[loses house key, starts a new life]

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

Her: how are you still single?

Me: it’s easier than you think.

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids