No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
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a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.