No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
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I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.