Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

My Sentiments Exactly

NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

not seeing the problem

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.