Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

i was dropped as an adult

Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.