“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
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A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
