Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.