“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
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Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
This meeting could have been a cake
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot