Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda