No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
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My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?