No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
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My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong