No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
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They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover