CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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Happy Taco Tuesday
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.