No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
You Might Also Like
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit