Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

Did you know Yoda has a last name?

It’s Layheehoo…

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought