No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!
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my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Seems kinda suspicious
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.