No, I’m not flirting with you, I want your cheddar bay biscuits.

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[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”


Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.


*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!


Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.


I dropped my phone when my friend accidently bumped my arm. It didn’t break but for a moment I saw her whole life flash in front of my eyes.


The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.


The story of Rudolph is a great way to let your kid know that bullies will keep torturing him until he’s famous, then they’ll be his friend.


Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.


You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”