@FuckabillyRex

No, I’m not flirting with you, I want your cheddar bay biscuits.

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@WheelTod

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

@chuuew

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

@djdarrellripley

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

@junejuly12

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

@iresurfaced

I dropped my phone when my friend accidently bumped my arm. It didn’t break but for a moment I saw her whole life flash in front of my eyes.

@LostFelicia

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

@robfee

The story of Rudolph is a great way to let your kid know that bullies will keep torturing him until he’s famous, then they’ll be his friend.

@HatfieldAnne

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

@SteveKoehler22

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”