[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
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HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.