Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
You Might Also Like
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I hope they boil the right one.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh