Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *tells my kid anything*
KID: i know i know i know

ME: *asks my kid anything*
KID: i don’t know

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.