No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
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Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Wolves should really raise more people.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?