No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
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Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking