….when optimism gets out of control.
No. I’m not pregnant.
That’s my liver.
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Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY: That’s the ball
Twitter: The addiction that talks back.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
You call them natural disasters. I call them destructive criticism.