Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
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When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.