@MutedCatfish

No. I’m not pregnant.
That’s my liver.

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@JesKeepSwimming

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

@Silver_nmm

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

@ohthatbadger

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

@JJSummertime

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

@ArfMeasures

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

@Smooheed

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?