Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

They’re on their honeymoon

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket