Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”

“Keening.”

“What?”

“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”

“Dammit.”

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow