Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Friday

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

don’t we all

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.