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Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
(Every historical tour)
Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture
Me: Oh wow very cool
Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I think this might be relevant today.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
