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I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong