No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
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Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.