No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
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My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person