“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
nobody’s gonna understand
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Worst perfume name ever.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?