“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*