“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group